Anyway, here's what I did write for it. Not vintage stuff, but a few nice moments. And yes, Chris is in it. As always it will make no sense to you if you didn't work at Xpertise / Xenon Training in Altrincham.
Pete
**
The All-new Adventures of Stu
He’s Australian and emotional
G’day! You know what
– since I left that god-forsaken place you call England, with all its awful
weather, short distances and lack of poisonous critters I've missed it
precisely not at all. Not one bit. Nada.
Sure, so I'm from Papua New Guinea – Madang to be precise (love to go
back one day) – but for me Australia is home, and now it’s home for the girls
and Lysh too. She’s great, isn't
she? Lysh. Yeah.
So anyway, we were on the beach one day – great beaches here
in Oz, plenty of them for Lysh to get her bikini on and amaze the locals. We’d been for a paddle, looking out for sea
snakes, jellyfish, floating spiders, poisonous coral and great whites all the
time, and we saw some guys down near the rocks with little hammers and
stuff. There’s a big hill, kind of a
mountain, just inland, and they kept pointing towards it. We walked over and they soon started pointing
at Lysh instead.
“Hey guys!” I said.
“This is Lysh. She’s great,
yeah?”
“Sure is, mate!” one said.
I punched Lysh on the arm, smiled at her, stuck my tongue out. Had to stop myself doing a haka – kind of
like a nervous tic when I stick my tongue out.
I just made my scratchy throat sound instead for a bit.
“What you guys doing?” I said.
“We’re looking at the rocks,” one replied. “They’re igneous, from the old volcano back
there.” He pointed to the hill. “Hasn't gone off for years.”
“Strewth!” I said. “I
always thought these were weird old rocks.”
“Sure are. You see,
when the volcano erupted, the magma burst out, then flowed down the side of the
hill as lava, and came down here into the bay.
Molten rock hits the cold sea water and sets, leaving this behind.”
A tear rolled down my cheek.
The Bay Malton. Our lunchtime
destination from Xenon, purveyor of chicken & bacon baguettes that made us
ill, provider of iffy service each day.
How I craved their cuisine instead of the crap we have over here. I want to go home, home to England!
Watch as Stu gets emotional again
next time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUSHROOM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“The Mushroom Factory” News
A lot has happened since we last spoke
Shock Mercer Announcement
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUSHROOM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What’s that stain?
The world of markings upon the suit of Mercer
This month – a yellowy residue on his inner thigh.
Paul says: “It’s custard.”
Next time – a curiously
gelatinous white substance on his hip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUSHROOM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 simple steps to Macclesfield-based buffoonery
"It’s been a while since I did one of these – hope I've
still got the knack and don’t go off on a tangent.
"This week, here's my simple guide on how to use a
Dremel to remove rust from a metal gate."
1.
Make sure your Dremel is fully charged before you
begin.
2.
I once got overcharged in a shop. I was trying to buy some sausages and they
charged me the wrong amount. They
charged me for ham.
3.
I had a hammock once when I was younger. It was between two trees. I liked lying in it in the summer and
swinging from side to side, but one day I swung too much and it spun round and
round and I was trapped inside like a cocoon.
4.
Butterflies come from cocoons. I thought I saw butterfly once but it was
someone throwing a tub of Flora instead - HAHA.
5.
They used to call that “the margarine for men,” didn't
they? I don’t trust margarine. There’s something not right about it.
6.
Margarine sounds like migraine, if you say it
wrong. I had a migraine once. Well, I thought I did. Turns out I’d banged my head on a bridge and
forgot, and had concussion.
7.
That’s a fancy word for drums, isn’t it? Drums and triangles and stuff.
8.
They've got a triangle in Bermuda. Funny things happen, like clocks go backwards
and ships disappear. Sounds a bit like
my house really, apart from the ships.
Chips disappear in my house instead, ‘cos I eat them.
9.
I ate a wasp once.
It landed on my dinner and it annoyed me so I ate it. Yum.
Bit buzzy though.
10. Buzz
Lightyear! Oh no – he was in “Toy
Story.”
Next time: How
to build a nuclear reactor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUSHROOM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Ask Gary”
Your problems, answered!
Dear Gary,
I've been told by my doctor that my cholesterol
level is a little on the high side. He’s
advised me to have things like porridge and oily fish but the thing is I love
my cooked breakfasts. Is there any way I
can look after my heart but still have a fry-up as I love my bacon and sausage.
Yours,
Worried.
Gary
says…
Dear Worried,
Oooh! Sausage!
Oooh! Etc.
Gary.
Gary gets the giggles without reason again next time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUSHROOM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posts
13 comments:
We are liking this one alot. Had me laughing out loud in the office where I now work undercover. Love the Mercer shock news, but agree that we need photographic evidence, also the Bay Malton cause a tear or two.
Saddam.
Thanks Saddam. And you are...?
Ex ruler of all the mighty Persian Empire, Great Warrior, King, Lover and general all round good guy, even though the press do tend to give me a bad rap from time to time which isn’t wholly deserved to be honest. I also do a lot for charity.
BTW, the formatting is a bit out on the Chris Poole’s 10-Step Guides, but other that that its great.
Can't see the formatting issues here - looks OK on my laptop. Still can't place you by the way.
Oh, OK, that’s interesting, maybe I’ll ask Muammar in our IT department to have a look at my browser settings. You know what these capitalist American pig dog browsers are like for compatibility. Always showing you what they want you to see. Pah! I spit on them.
Still none the wiser as to your identity, Saddam.
We have met before, but only in passing. The heat was on at home so I decided to keep a low profile by taking a job at an Italian in Urmston. I hope you enjoyed the pizza. It's not really my thing, I prefer goat.
Nope - still can't place you.
I find it remarcable that you don't remember me. It must be the quality of my disguise and the expertise with which I can conceal myself as an ordinary citizen in your wonderful if not somewhat corrupt country. I'm sure we will meet again my friend. Till then, "Viva la revolution" as our good friend Che would say.
Nope - sorry. Noticed the Remarc & Xpertise references but I'm still drawing a blank.
Oooh! Drawing a blank Oooh err missus.
I love kids, especially with papaya and couscous - now there's a thing that was never served up at the Bay Malton ... Papaya
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