The Mushroom Factory - SPECIAL REPORT - The All-New Adventures of Stu

G'day Poms!

It's a beautiful, hot day down here in Australia - either the sun is shining or the place is on fire, one or the other.  I didn't know sand could burn but, well, it happens all the time down here in Oz.

So anyway, the other day I woke up and lit the barbie for breakfast as always and stuck on a steak for myself, some muesli for Lysh (she's looking great, isn't she?) and some toast for Rachel.  Steph wanted Coco Pops and they'd have made a god-awful mess of the barbie, so we just did them in a bowl - you know, the old fashioned, non-Aussie way.  Lysh was sitting on the porch looking great, Rach was playing with her pet jellyfish, Sneeze (she called it that 'cos she thought it looked like someone had done a big sneeze), Roger and Rose had called round for a couple of beers for brekkie, and Steph was doing I don't know, Facebook or something.

Right, well my steak was just about done and Lysh's muesli was nicely crisped and hot - poured a dash of lager on it to cool it down and let it steep for a while - so I got ready to plate up.  I put Steph's Coco Pops in front of her and she just looked at me, all sad, like, and said "where's the sugar, Dad?"  She really loves sugar does Steph, even on Coco Pops.

"Lysh!"  I shouted.  "You look great, mate, but where's the sugar?"

"We used the last of it in the cake we made the other day, mate!  Remember - the jam roly-poly?"

"Aw, strewth, mate," I said.  "Steph wants some on her Coco Pops and we haven't got any!  I'll have to go to the shop!"

"But that's 3500 miles away!" she said.  "You'll never get there and back before the Pops go soggy!"

"You're right, mate," I said.  I was confused, so I did a haka, then summoned Tringam, my spirit guide.

"Alright, Stu," Tringam said.  "Alright, Lysh?  You look great, mate."

"Thanks, mate!" Lysh went.

"What's up, Stu mate?"

"We've got no sugar for Steph's Coco Pops!"

"Crikey, mate.  The shops are too far.  You'll have to borrow some from a neighbour."

"You're right, mate," I said.  "And they're only 1750 miles away.  I'll be back in a bit, girls!  You look great, Lysh!"

"Thanks, mate!"

So off I went, catching a helicopter to our nearest neighbours, Enid and Bert.   They're a great couple, both retired from England, and real old - older than Oz.  They remember when Ayers Rock was being built.  Bert said it's just fibreglass.  Anyway, I landed next to their house and rang the bell.

"Morning, Stu!" said Bert.  "Where's Lysh?"

"She's back at home, mate."

"Shame, mate - she looks great."

"I know, mate."

"What can I do for you?  Do we need to paint your side of the fence again?  Has a dingo got in?"

"No, mate.  I need to borrow some sugar.  Steph wants some on her Coco Pops."

"Sure we can do that for you, mate.  Come on in."  So I went in.  Nice place, not as nice as mine, obviously, but nice.  Bit old though.  I looked around while Bert was in the kitchen with Enid - she's nice, but no Lysh - and saw all kinds of pictures and things.  One of Enid on an ice rink.  One of Bert meeting some priest or something, a little badge under it saying it was Cardinal Davy-Hulme.  One of a nice beach, Malton Bay.  A picture of Enid next to a delivery van for a company called Atlantic Treat.  Nice memories.  Anyway, after a bit they both came in, Enid with a cup of sugar.

"Morning, Stu!" she said.  "No Lysh?"

"Nah, mate - she's at home."

"Pity.  Fancy a beer?"

"No thanks, mate - can't stop, or else Steph's Coco Pops will go soggy."

"Shame.  Hope you're all well anyway.  Here's your sugar."  She handed me the cup, some cling film over the top.

"Thanks, mate.  Oh, we're off to England for a flying visit in a couple of weeks by the way.  Could you keep your eye open for post in the door and stuff?"

"Sure thing, mate," said Bert.  "Anything else?  Want us to open the curtains in the morning and close them at night?  Stop the 'roos looking in?  Water the jellyfish?"

"Nah, you're alright, but thanks, mate."

"Fair dinkum."

Then Enid looked at Bert and said "I'd love to go back one day, just for a visit, not to stay, obviously.  Go back to see where we were born, where we lived, where you were stationed in the war, Bert.  Tunbridge Wells, wasn't it?"

Warburton Bridge.  That gilded highway in the sky, crossing the Ship Canal from Partington to Irlam for a small toll charge.  Oh how I longed to soar high, high over that majestic stretch of water, looking down upon the channel like an Antipodean god.  I fell to my knees there and then, sobbing like a baby, punching the carpet with my fists.

I heard the phone being picked up.  "Lysh?"  said Bert.  "Great to hear you.  Can you come round please?  Stu's got all emotional again."

England - I can't wait to see you again.

(Note - If you didn't work for Xpertise Training and regularly read "The Mushroom Factory" you'll have no idea what the heck this all means. If on the other hand you did, you may enjoy it. The idea for this came to me early this morning as I was thinking about Stu's imminent return to England, and about Lysh, of course.)