Five hours after leaving home I arrived. It was a big, old, white building, not unlike the hotel in "Fawlty Towers", or a mausoleum. I climbed the crumbling steps, crossed the creaking floor, and checked in.
"You're here for three nights?" asked the slightly camp receptionist.
"I wish. Sadly it's four," I replied.
"Oh it's not that bad," he said. He gave me my key and I climbed the flight of creaking stairs (the lift was either not working or didn't exist - I didn't find out) to the first floor, where I walked along an equally creaky corridor, through two very industrial-style fire doors (white, with a square wired glass panel) and to my room. The door looked rather battered, chunks of paint missing. I inserted my key card thing and went inside.
Imagine Wembley Stadium. Now imagine that in one corner of the pitch there was a very stark-looking double bed. That was my room. It was enormous. I paced it out: seven paces from side to side, seven from end to end. (Click the photos to enlarge.)
Note the two angle-poise lamps on the headboard. The one on the left looks a little odd. Upon closer inspection it looked like this:
I touched the bendy bit and my hand felt slightly tingly. I didn't touch it again. The corner facing my bed looked like this:
What you can see is a sofa bed, the labelling on the mattress clearly visible, the bedding piled up on the top. Above the sofa is a very small flat screen TV - maybe 18 inches or so. Bear in mind that this is seven paces away from the pillows on the main bed.
Diagonally opposite my bed was an appealing work area:
The other corner was taken up with a super-deluxe wardrobe, offering a full four - yes, four - coat hangers:
The long mirror you can see was also cracked:
As for the bathroom there were little niggly things, such as the pull-cords for the light were missing their pulls, so they were just frayed bits of string, and the tap on the bath looked like this (note the thing on the right hand tap):
The room was also noisy due to the windows being single glazed sash windows, so much so that when I spoke to my Dad just after arriving he asked me what a noise he'd heard was, and I told him it was somebody getting out of a car on the other side of the road, which was also across the hotel car park. Anyway, I was tired, so I unpacked and prepared to settle down.
At about 1AM it started. There was a bit of a commotion from outside my room and lots of voices talking, shouting and laughing in the corridor, then in the room next door. This went on for ages, along with phones ringing, music playing, people running up and down the corridor, and at one point I clearly heard two of the people (I worked out that there were two men and two women in the room) kissing in the corridor outside my room, reaching a bit of a crescendo when the woman seemed to say "f**k me" to the man. Thankfully they didn't embark upon this particular quest and instead proceeded to do more laughing, shouting, banging on the door and so on.
At about 1.30 I'd had enough. I opened my door, leaned out, saw the two girls in the corridor and asked "is there any chance you could possibly shut up?" They seemed apologetic, then went into their room to apparently rearrange furniture, juggle fridges, learn the drums and so on. I emailed work, kicked off about the hotel, and realised that nothing would be done.
I inserted my BioEars earplugs (a travel essential - also good for loud concerts like Nine Inch Nails as they filter out 20 decibels of noise and make it sound all lovely) but they didn't help that much. I wedged my head between two pillows and tried to sleep. I failed.
At about 3AM they seemed to have gone quiet. Hurrah! Sadly my alarm went off at 6AM. Booo!
So, to breakfast. I found myself in the breakfast room entirely alone. "OUT OF ORDER" read a sign on the toaster. A staff member appeared and asked if I wanted a plate. I advised him that I don't do cooked breakfasts and was just having cereal as the toaster wasn't working.
"Yeah - I don't know what's wrong with it," he said. Well, I said, I'll just have cereal.
"Do you want a plate?" he asked.
I gave him a "look". "No - I'm just having cereal." He went away. I got some apple juice for taking my meds, which turned out to be 99% concentrate and 1% water, made my teeth feel fluffy and therefore was abandoned. I got a coffee from the machine and it turned out to be about 95% milk.
As I passed the reception I asked for another breakfast voucher for Tuesday. "Off to work?" asked the lady on reception, her facial piercing sparkling in the light. Yes, I replied. "Thought so - you're wearing a suit," she said. I admired her perceptiveness.
I returned to my room to brush my teeth, and went to the loo for a quick wee (sorry). After six attempts the toilet finally flushed.
Thankfully work were superstars. I received a call very early on and now I am staying here. It is very nice. You should come. they have free wifi and everything.
The moral of this story: Don't stay at the Travelodge Tunbridge Wells. I wish there was a nice way I could say this but there isn't. It's shit.
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1 comment:
I'm glad they rebooked you - how horrible! x
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